For my real only fans ;) This is probably the most exposed I’ll ever be.

Thinking Instead of Doing

April 8th, 2025

I’ve thought about writing for SO long. For YEARS actually. I’ve always known I’m eventually going to write a book, a memoir. I guess I just haven’t given myself permission to express myself without inhibitions. I’ve tried journaling but the entries are never that raw or honest. I’ve been writing them as if someone else is going to read them, as if someone else is going to judge them though the pages lie hidden in my nightstand drawer.

I’ve been seeing a therapist and I am finally coming around to the idea of using writing as a way to “heal” from all the bullshit I’ve been through. I hate this idea of “healing” though. Introspection is what I am hoping for rather. Increased self-awareness. Who am I really? Am I the same person that others perceive me to be? Do I outwardly portray the person that I know I am? I guess we’ll find out.

I decided to scrap my half-ass journaling efforts for this blog. If I’m going to write about my life it might as well be raw, unhinged, unedited, and for everyone to read. Welcome to my brain.
The ah duh duh

May 5th, 2025

Short story long, I have the Attention Deficit Disorder. AKA the ah duh duh (thanks Amanda for coining this term). I’m prescribed 30mg adderall IR. The highest rx available is 35mg IR. Obviously I’m overprescribed because … *drum roll*… this is America. The max I take is 15mg + a half sooooo ~22.5mg IR a day.

One of the main issues I have with ADD is assuming that the million thoughts per second I generate are communicated (as needed). I swear to God I responded. I seriously thought I said that out loud. I thought you could read my mind? The speed at which my brain intakes and outputs is overwhelming. My psychiatrist literally prescribed me weed so I could focus. Think about that. The marijuana, to focus. My brain has hundreds of tabs open at the same time (thoughts if you would). So does my damn computer.

Among other things:

Unread texts (52 right now)

Unanswered work emails (dating back a couple of months lol).

Unheard voicemails (36 right now)

Unattended to personal tasks (some of my bills have gone to collections just because I keep forgetting to click click click pay). I know, I’m working on it.

Schemes to run the world include brain rotting on the couch because of dopamine paralysis.

It makes me brilliant, but it also hinders me. For example: I am always fucking late. It doesn’t matter if I wake up 1 hour earlier than usual, that just means I have more time to do random shit other than getting to work on time. One time I showed up to my 8:00 am court date/appointment at 8:09 and missed my name being called. Apparently they called me at ~8:02 because of my last name. Don’t worry, I finessed out of that one.

If you ask me what I’m thinking about now, and then 1 minute from now I guarantee you that it was not on your bingo card.

If you are also a woman that was diagnosed with ADD in your adulthood, please know you’re not alone and we’re all just trying not to burn down the kitchen by forgetting to turn off the stove before leaving the home.

Also, this rant is completely unedited.

From my drafts up next we have: talking about the trauma my ex gave me, talking about my mami being wonderful, or about my mami and step dad getting divorced. Please vote for which fun story you want me to drop next.
Cornelio,

April 10th, 2025

I’ve tried nearly everything to suppress how heartbroken I’ve been since you went to went to kitty heaven. I’ve only typed one sentence and I’m already sobbing. Next week it will be 2 months without you. I saw someone post about losing their pet and I felt such admiration for their vulnerability. There’s just no way I could ever make an instagram post about this. My assumption is that nobody beyond my close friends and family really gives a flying fuck about how I truly feel, so why even share? I guess I am technically still sharing. If you’re reading then yes but if you’re not then I’m not.

I want to find the courage to feel these feelings but I’m not sure how to. Sometimes I let go a little but then I suck it up and move on (or pretend to). It’s the way I was raised. Even if something is trying to break you, all you have to do is stop feeling that way. You know what I mean? This is me trying to unlearn that.

High on the list of some of the worst things to ever happen to me is definitely watching you suffer. Your last days were the hardest. Sometimes I regret forcing you to eat and wiping your little face a million times when you just wanted to be comfortable. I knew it was time when the human-grade nausea meds were not helping. I tried everything in my power to keep you alive for well over a year. Vet appointments 3x a week, medications 2x a day, syringe feeding you to maintain weight. At one point I saw it in your eyes and understood that you couldn’t hold on any longer. I braced myself, I thought I was going to spiral.

You were just 5 years old, a little baby. We were supposed to have you for at least 15 years… We were supposed to get more time to love you and to be loved by you. I wish I could begin to explain the way you changed this family. Now I understand why we never had a pet before, we were waiting on you.

I had a panic attack on my birthday this year because someone sent lilies to the house. How fucking humbling, on a day that’s supposed to be enjoyable. 2 out of 2 of the panic attacks I’ve had in the last 3 years were because of my fear of losing my Tiger to an accidental poisoning. If I could have an entire species of fauna go extinct, it would be those stupid murderous flowers.

That’s as bad as it’s gotten though so I think I’m coping ok. Tiger has been giving everyone SO much love on your behalf. He’s so in tune with everyone’s loss. I think he feels your absence the most. I can’t quite sit by the fireplace yet, I can feel your presence there. It’s the spot you picked to spend your last week with us. It’s also the spot we picked to place your urn and your clay paw print. I was finally able to wash your blankets and toys last Sunday; I cried the entire time. Sometimes I think I can hear you in the hallway making your evening rounds. Sometimes I still feel like calling out for you to come find me.

I miss you so much Cornelio. Our sweet boy. I hope one day I can love as hard as you loved everyone. Thank you for everything.

Thinking Instead of Doing

The ah duh duh

Cornelio,