I’ve tried nearly everything to suppress how heartbroken I’ve been since you went to went to kitty heaven. I’ve only typed one sentence and I’m already sobbing. Next week it will be 2 months without you. I saw someone post about losing their pet and I felt such admiration for their vulnerability. There’s just no way I could ever make an instagram post about this. My assumption is that nobody beyond my close friends and family really gives a flying fuck about how I truly feel, so why even share? I guess I am technically still sharing. If you’re reading then yes but if you’re not then I’m not.

I want to find the courage to feel these feelings but I’m not sure how to. Sometimes I let go a little but then I suck it up and move on (or pretend to). It’s the way I was raised. Even if something is trying to break you, all you have to do is stop feeling that way. You know what I mean? This is me trying to unlearn that.

High on the list of some of the worst things to ever happen to me is definitely watching you suffer. Your last days were the hardest. Sometimes I regret forcing you to eat and wiping your little face a million times when you just wanted to be comfortable. I knew it was time when the human-grade nausea meds were not helping. I tried everything in my power to keep you alive for well over a year. Vet appointments 3x a week, medications 2x a day, syringe feeding you to maintain weight. At one point I saw it in your eyes and understood that you couldn’t hold on any longer. I braced myself, I thought I was going to spiral.

You were just 5 years old, a little baby. We were supposed to have you for at least 15 years… We were supposed to get more time to love you and to be loved by you. I wish I could begin to explain the way you changed this family. Now I understand why we never had a pet before, we were waiting on you.

I had a panic attack on my birthday this year because someone sent lilies to the house. How fucking humbling, on a day that’s supposed to be enjoyable. 2 out of 2 of the panic attacks I’ve had in the last 3 years were because of my fear of losing my Tiger to an accidental poisoning. If I could have an entire species of fauna go extinct, it would be those stupid murderous flowers.

That’s as bad as it’s gotten though so I think I’m coping ok. Tiger has been giving everyone SO much love on your behalf. He’s so in tune with everyone’s loss. I think he feels your absence the most. I can’t quite sit by the fireplace yet, I can feel your presence there. It’s the spot you picked to spend your last week with us. It’s also the spot we picked to place your urn and your clay paw print. I was finally able to wash your blankets and toys last Sunday; I cried the entire time. Sometimes I think I can hear you in the hallway making your evening rounds. Sometimes I still feel like calling out for you to come find me.

I miss you so much Cornelio. Our sweet boy. I hope one day I can love as hard as you loved everyone. Thank you for everything.